Here’s a sample from GiggleMed’s funny list of Things You Should Never Say to a Pregnant Woman

• You might want to get off of that thing, I think there’s weight limit
• Did you ever see Alien?
• I see swollen people
• I’m sure you’re having a boy… Women become much more beautiful when they’re having girls
• When can I come by for the placenta?
• Pregnant?! How did that happen?
• For you, the puffy and edematous look is quite becoming.
• You really shouldn’t complain so much… There are some species of salamanders that can remain pregnant for up to 38 months.
• Are you sure you’re only nine months pregnant?
• It is amazing how closely your ankles resemble the trunk of this one tree in my front yard.
• I’ll betcha I can hold my urine longer than you
• It looks like you only have one more month to go
• Yeah, but it’s a good kind of fat
• As soon as you give birth, these are the days you’ll miss
• Did you see that documentary on elephant seals last night?
• So… you must be having twins
• Did they say it w
...

OK, so my wife is pregnant with #5. But, I have learned a lot since #1…

When we were med students, I made a comment that I thought she’d find funny. We were walking up a steep hill in the middle of Pennsylvania (an area I affectionately refer to as Pennsyltucky). My wife was 8 and a half months pregnant and visibly getting winded as we neared the top of the hill. I waited patiently… but waiting and silence, for me, is usually a bad combo. It’s usually a time that I try to make a joke – but not ideal because invariably, that’s a time when jokes are forced (and not spontaneous).

Nonetheless, I offered a point worthy of deep reflection… “Yeah, I know it must be tough, but at least we’re not salamanders. Apparently, some salamanders have a gestation period of up to 38 months.”

It didn’t go over well.

So, this time, with #5, I decided to get her some maternity humor gifts that I made with her in mind. No salamander references, though. (Click on the image if you know someone who might li...